FINALLY, THE GRANT, HAS COME BACK…. to talking sh!t about pro wrestling and your favourite wrestlers!
I took a short hiatus when I took up a Christmas job, but Christmas is over, and so is that job. I am GRANT BODY-P! Music Journalist, a proud UK Ambassador for Wu Worldwide DJ Coalition and a proud wrestling fan who doesn’t take wrestling seriously, and neither should you! That job was beneath me! It was like being Prince of Zamunda, then traveling to Queens to flip burgers, the difference was, there was no hottie there to make my queen!
I have been asked by request to write my thoughts on the ting call Wrestle Kingdom.. this is that sh!t that jumps off every January in Japan, and has gained more popularity among wrestling fans, particularly those dissatisfied with the World Wrestling Federation and how they treat their stars.
Consider this ‘losing my NJPW Virginity…’ Outside of AJ Styles Vs Shinsuke Nakumura which I watched a few years ago, I’m not that dude to sit down and watch this pro wrestling extravaganza.
This is the ‘grown man’s big BIG WrestleMania’… Let’s get into it!
DISCLAIMER: My thoughts are based on the highlights from the official NJPW YouTube channel. Forgive me in advance as I am a busy muthaf***a…
I see Hiroshi Tanahashi has a IWGP briefcase with a cheque inside… aiiight cool!
Look pon Kenny Omega! Looking like a Tekken Character and sh!t! I’m very surprised he’s not in the game as a secret character (I wonder if Harada is reading this!)
I remember now… Omega has a move called the V-Trigger… flying knee to Tanahashi’s chin bone – BLAOW!!!
Damn homie – how many knees is Tanahashi gonna take? Finish him off already Omega! Use the sword you brought to the ring do something!
BUMBACLAAAAT! Omega hit the Super Tiger Suplex off the top! Tanahashi dead now! COVER HIM! GET THE POINTS!
The Elite are at ringside – they don’t need to teef! Omega got this surely!
OMEGA YOU’RE KILLING HIM!!! STOP!!!
WTF WAS THAT? I told Omega to finish him – but what does he do – he dily daly and then Tanahashi hits the counter technique! If Omega doesn’t win now – it’s his own fault – I don’t see Omega f**k!n about on Street Fighter V!
See now I’ll never know who won that sh1t – the highlights cut to Jericho with his Liontamer/Walls of Jericho to the man call Naito…
Is Jericho telling the ref ‘ASK HIM!’ in Japanese?
Considering Naito was in that move for ages – it’s either the adrenaline or he has a body like a shield of steel – and comes back with a tornado DDT!
Naito tried to finish Jericho – but Jericho got him again with the Walls of Jericho! I think he’s too close to the ropes though…
Aaaah sheeeeet – Jericho clocked his ring awareness and drags Naito to the middle of the ring!
Now I understand – NJPW won’t let me know who won the matches – I have to watch in full to find out…
Right guys help me out here – the dude with the short hair just hit the TOMBSTONE!! TOMBSTONE!! to the dude in the white wrestling tights! You know I will back any wrestler who uses the Tombstone, the Chokeslam, or any strong style maneuver! What is his name??? The dude with the short blonde hair?? Answers on a postcard please – tweet me – @MZATheInfamous!
Aaah – his shorts say OKADA… THAT’S MY DUDE RIGHT THERE! JUST. LIKE. THAT!
His opponent, as I understand by my sources, goes by the name of Jay White. Backing Okada all day long!
This wrestling sh!t has made me hungry, let me grab a pot noodle y’all!
I’m seeing a maaaad sequence of counter techniques here!!! Come on Okada… GET HIM!
Nothing against you Jay White – but Okada used the TOMBSTONE! You have to understand – as Undertaker goes into the darkness forever… I will need a new hero to back!
Next match – Timesplitter Vs Bone Soldier – I don’t know who is who so you will have to help me out here!
These guys got counters for days as well! Hold up – The dude in white threw the dude in black’s legs into the referee as if it was set up for a hurricanrana and then proceeded to kick him in his head! How about that for creativity! I have lived on this earth for nearly 39 years – I have NEVER seen that before! Not even Eddie Guerrero or Kofi Kingston would have thought of that sh!t!
That move was maaaaad! That was like a tombstone flipped up into a GTS!
Oh dear! Why did the woman dressed like Jade from Mortal Kombat attack that Juice Robinson? Did he do an Eric Benet?
HOLD ON – THAT’S Cody Rhodes wife isn’t it???? GOD DAYUUUUUUM! Ok Juice – what did you DOOOOOOOO??? Did you feel on her booty? Did she catch you jerking off at her bikini photos?
I don’t even know what the rarse is going on in this next match – suplexes off the top, one big dude in a sweater acting like the big he-man, a referee begging one competitor to take the kendo stick… it looks like a clusterf**k at a glance but obviously you guys know better than me.
Now I’ve really lost track of what is going on! We got er…. bear with me here… (you can tell NJPW is not my strong suit!) Yoshinobu Kanemaru & El Desperado Vs Sho Yoh Vs Bushi & Shingo Takagi…I believe it is for the IWGP Tag Team Championships… er yeah anyway…
I have it on good authority that this match right here was crazy – referring to Will Ospreay Vs Kota Ibushi…
BUMBACLAAAT! If Ospreay’s Roundhouse kick clocked Ibushi he would be in a box by now! HOLY SMOKES!
This is fast and furious in the ready money round! Shout out to Roy Walker… for no reason!
As my moms would say – TWO BAD BULL MEET UP!!!!
As Ibushi drop kicked Ospreay out of the ring did he look up and wave to his moms just then??!!!!
HOLY F**K did you see that? Ibushi went for the reverse Moonsault of the top – and Ospreay side-stepped and kicked him in his face! CALL THE AMBULANCE!!!
..and then Ospreay is like – let me show you how to do it – bounces off the ropes, a handstand, and a flip out of the ring catching Ibushi!
Somebody give that muthaf***a the belt from now!
OH MY DAYS – WHO IS THAT?!!!! She’s like wearing a catwoman like – carnival outfit!! Suddenly I’m not interested in whatever this next match is!
I will say this – New Japan will NEVER be in Saudi Arabia!! I’m seeing women wearing thongs and everything out here!
Haha she nearly dropped in her heels too! Actually she reminds me of somebody I know quite well…
All I know is it looked like teams of three ready to cause a ruckus, and one dude who cannot throw an American Football into the audience properly…
Gauntlet to be No. 1 Contender for NEVER Openweight Six-Man Tag Team Championship:
Yuji Nagata, Jeff Cobb and David Finlay def. Hangman Page, Yujiro Takahashi and Marty Scurll
Yuji Nagata, Jeff Cobb and David Finlay def. Hirooki Goto, Beretta and Chuckie T.
Minoru Suzuki, Lance Archer and Davey Boy Smith Jr. def. Yuji Nagata, Jeff Cobb and David Finlay
Togi Makabe, Toru Yano and Ryusuke Taguchi def. Minoru Suzuki, Lance Archer and Davey Boy Smith Jr.
Will Ospreay def. Kota Ibushi—NEVER Openweight Championship
Los Ingobernables de Japon (Bushi and Shingo Takagi) def. Suzuki-gun (Yoshinobu Kanemaru and El Desperado) and Roppongi 3K (Sho and Yoh)—IWGP Junior Heavyweight Championship
Zack Sabre Jr. def. Tomohiro Ishii—British Heavyweight Championship
Los Ingobernables de Japon (Sanada and Evil) def. Guerrillas of Destiny (Tama Tonga and Tanga Loa) and The Young Bucks(Matt Jackson and Nick Jackson)
Juice Robinson def. Cody Rhodes—IWGP United States Championship
Taiji Ishimori def. Kushida—IWGP Junior Heavyweight Championship
Jay White def. Kazuchika Okada
Tetsuya Naito def. Chris Jericho—IWGP Intercontinental Championship
Hiroshi Tanahashi def. Kenny Omega—IWGP Heavyweight Championship
The word on near every wrestling fans lips – is this AEW thing poppin off, and where Kenny Omega is gonna go from here… is he headed to WWE? is he headed to AEW? Will he stay put? I’d rather be that dude to be left in suspense to be honest… but if you want my honest opinion? I think he will go the AEW route. If he goes to WWE I will be shocked as a muthaf***a…I love the fact that he’s keeping fans guessing without effort… the other dude is Chris Jericho… that dude can end up anywhere at any given time. He keeps you guessing and I love and respect that dude for that. The first chance WWE gets, they will HOF his @$$. Cody Rhodes – he gonna grow to be his own promoter. Cody has realised long time that the world is bigger than the World Wrestling Federation Championship. From what I saw of the highlights… Will Ospreay Vs Kota Ibushi SMASHED IT… some of those moves – good lord – it would be instant hospital or worse if those moves are done incorrectly… now I know why muthaf***az get mad at things like Nia Jax tumping Becky down by accident or Brie Bella kicking down Liv Morgan or Ryback botching like a muthaf***a…
Can I see myself watching NJPW more on a regular? Even I cannot answer that… I barely have enough time for WWE as it is these days. I haven’t watched properly since the Survivor Series… just know this – The Infamous Informer is BACK… but for how long? It’s up to fate.